Typically, when I do my Bible study, I shut the door to my room, grab a big cup of coffee, and burrow into the Word while trying to ignore the incredible amount of outside noise. On rare occasions, I walk about a mile into the mountains to read and study. It's not a particularly fancy place where I go, just a big rock on the side of a beaten-down path. But it's quiet. And let me tell you, that quietude means so much. Today, I was able to go on that walk into the mountains for quiet study time.
Before leaving the house, I was searching on my hard drive for a good picture to use for our new ministry webpage. (Shameless insertion: www.onerevivalministry.com) Instead, I got sucked into looking at old pictures from my time in college. Occasionally, a picture popped up with friends and I after finishing a half-marathon or visiting a pumpkin patch. Most pictures were taken at a bar or during a 'pre-game' party at someone's apartment. As I browsed through the plethora of drinking pictures, my ever-present thought was, "Who is that person?", with the next most popular thought being, "I feel like that was not even my life."
Walking out to do my study on the book of James, I pondered more on that previous life. The pictures had actually made me ashamed of who I was and the priorities I had made during those years.
Two movies came to mind during my pondering: Avatar and Mulan.
Mulan popped into my head for its famous song 'Reflections.' In the movie, Mulan is struggling with not being the perfect wife/daughter and sings about her struggle while looking into a pool of water. She sings, "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?...When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
Pictures are reflections of ourselves, but they are so easily able to reflect fictitiously. The pictures I found were a reflection of myself, but they certainly do not reflect who I am inside. They reflect a myriad of bad decisions and my (then) desire to fit into a mold to be a certain type of person. To this day, I'm not even sure what type of mold it was that I wanted to fit into, but it surely did not reflect who I am.
More vividly, Avatar came to mind. Jake Sully goes to Pandora, a far away moon, to help the natives there- Na'vi they are called. The movie is a progression of him becoming more and more like the native people. He spends less time in his human body and more time in his avatar body. The movie ends with Jake literally changing his soul- moving it from his human body to his avatar body. The last scene cuts out with him opening his eyes as a Na'vi, not a human or an avatar.
For years, I went through similar progressions. In one aspect, there was my progression to becoming a born-again Christian. On the other hand, my progression away from being 'a gringa.'
I know that for some people, there is a defining moment where one can specifically say, "I became a Christian exactly in THAT moment." I honestly do not feel that way for myself. For me, it is a slow process that is refined each and every day. During my 'lost years' I continued to read the Bible on and off and even attended church and a Bible study group now and then. Even while I was lost, God tapped at my heart to look for Him. When I decided to go on a mission trip in 2013, I was just beginning to 'get good with God' ... if that is even possible.
On that trip, I saw God work miracles in others and experienced them in myself as well. I guess you could say it was sometime during those two months that the Holy Spirit came to live in me. Then, fairly randomly, I woke up. My soul switched from an earthly body to a body filled with the Holy Spirit. Of course, my physical body is the same, but I could not be more different on the inside. Just like Jake Sully, my eyes were opened and I was born again as a new person.
Humans are transient creatures; we are always changing and moving, both internally and externally. Praise God that He has given us the capability to change and yet He is steadfast. We can come from a world of darkness and failure to a life of light and love as He changes us. We are so shifty. And I am thankful for that, otherwise we would all be in such dark, hopeless places still.
"Every good and perfect thing comes from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:17
While my first progression was spiritual, the other is more physical/emotional. After being in Honduras for 2 years now, I can't help but notice how it has changed me. Similar to Neytiri teaching Jake Sully how to excel physically in his new body and teaching him the language of the Na'vi, I have also learned to walk and talk differently. Most noticeably, I speak a different language daily than I used to. I've had to learn how to dress and carry myself so that I can blend in better.
When I go to the states, my customs are now rarely those of a typical American. My words get tangled from so little English-speaking interactions. I can't remember to flush the toilet paper. I want to walk and be outside constantly, and I want to talk for hours with people- familiar or stranger.
But it doesn't work. Everything clashes. I have changed.
There is a story of a yellow man who goes to live in a land of blue people. After much time and mixed customs, the man becomes green. He no longer fits in with the yellow people, but he doesn't quite mix in with the blue people either.
I no longer belong in the US with the 'yellow' people, but I so clearly do not belong with the 'blue' people in Honduras. My dyed-red hair, sky blue eyes, and fair skin are proof enough of that.
I have changed. I am green.
So, where does that leave me with my new Mulan, Jake Sully, eyes-wide-open, green, avatar self?
I am left belonging to God and His kingdom. I have put on my new self (Ephesians 4:24) and am changed. My greenness is not proof of my lack of fitting into this world; it is proof that God has designed me and accepted me with all of my past and present faults to belong to His kingdom.
And what a great prize that is!
Looking at my reflection, I no longer see someone filling a void with empty friendships and alcohol. I see the daughter of the Lord Almighty, Yahweh, Jehovah, Shedinah.
I may be green, but He has changed me for the better, and I am His.
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