Doubt and Faith

Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?

      Matthew 14:31b

Doubting in itself is not an evil thing. On the contrary, doubting leads to questions that must be answered in order to strengthen our faith. Without any sort of doubt being present, faith is impossible- at least for me. My mind is too logical and moves too rapidly for me to not doubt the world that I live in as well as my role in it. I frequently doubt choices that I have made in the past, the choice I have made to be here in Honduras, and, sometimes, even the core of my faith. However, my rational, doubting mind does not mean that I cannot also have faith- and a strong faith, even. 

Recently I have found myself doubting my aspects of my life here and questioning whether or not I am properly fulfilling the call that I have answered to be in Honduras. Then the reality check hits me- I am not doing anything. What is being done is being done through me, but it is being done by the Spirit. I can doubt my role in this world ten times over, but I cannot convince myself that the work that is being done has zero purpose or a purpose that can change the world. Only God can decide that, and He already has. 

I struggle with going to La Kennedy sometimes and the environment that is continuously saturated with drugs and alcohol. Due to recent incidences, Alex can no longer go to La Kennedy with me for this very reason. It is easy to doubt my role in the community and whether or not I am 'making a difference' when I can smell pot and alcohol while I tutor Oscar. My presence is beneficial to him, but it is not going to change the circumstances or the decisions of the community; only the presence of the Lord can do that. As a missionary and a Christian in general, my one job is to spread the Gospel, and that is what I am doing. I can doubt my role each day and become frustrated with the lack of realized expectations, but I must remember that my calling is to plant a seed, not to sow the whole garden. Working with Oscar and doing regular devotionals with Karla are the tasks that the Lord has given me in La Kennedy; He has not called me to start a drug program. 

The disciples doubted left and right during their time with Jesus and showed little potential for improvement at times, but Jesus knew better than them. Doubting their position/roles as disciples as well as His own identity helped them to learn more about Him and His character as the Son of God. 

In comparison, it is completely natural to doubt my position as a spiritual leader and to question that which I am capable of doing...to an extent. At which point, I have to turn to scripture and prayer to gain a better foundation of the Spirit working through me. When I begin to doubt, I need to look at the work that has already been done by the Spirit through me, and I need to focus my attention on the future and trust that the Lord will guide me. By focusing on my faith and throwing out the doubt that has sometimes settled in my heart, anything is possible. All things can be accomplished through his power.

And when He had come to the house, His disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" So He said to them, "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting."

          Mark 9:28-29

And if any of you lacks wisdom, let him go to God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. but let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

           James 1:5-6

Karla and her water filter

Reading the Bible with Alex (and Lobo)

Bringing a water filter to Alex's family

Devotional with Karla and little sister Elida

Physics and God

The past couple of months my role here in the ministry has snowballed from tiny into quite large. Part of that involves tutoring many of the kids here on the property, as well as 17-year-old Oscar in La Kennedy. Oddly enough, teaching is the last thing I wanted to do with my life; I even switched my focus of study in school to avoid it. Luckily, God is infinitely better equipped than I am to teach his children, and he has continued to give me the necessary tools to teach as well, primarily patience abounding.

When I switched my studies from English/Spanish to Astrophysics, the majority of my family and friends thought I was crazy. I was told that it was going to be too challenging, that I wouldn't be able to find a career in it, and just what exactly did I think I was going to do with that degree?
God was so far ahead of me, and them, that he had it all covered.
I would be a tutor. And not just in any ol' subjects. A tutor in physics, math, and astronomy.
How could God have prepared me any better than that?

Although I am giving a bit of my time to all of the kids, my main tutoring focus right now is Luis. Luis is 17-years-old and in 10th grade, which means he has started math and physics. I was asked to begin tutoring him about a month and a half ago in order to help with his exam scores, and I was astounded at the amount of information he did not know (graphing a point, slope, distances...the list goes on). About a week ago, Luis came home from school with a big smile on his face telling me that he had passed his physics exam. From a 9% to passing with just one exam! Now, Luis comes to the house each day to catch up on material he had missed before and to do the homework for the night. Each day he is increasingly more excited to learn and is proud of his accomplishments. He frequently says to me, "Jen, did you see? I did it!" and just last night said that he wanted to cry because he was so happy that he was understanding.
But it hasn't always been easy. It was hard at first, because he did not grasp the basics and therefore could not progress any further to learn new information. Sometimes it was, and still is, frustrating.

As with everything, there is a connection here to God.

Without the knowing the basics of God, it is impossible to understand more difficult concepts and questions. If I did not know God's character, that He is just and patient and steadfast and compassionate, how could I understand that He will not abandon me even when I fail and that He has plans for my life? I couldn't.
Just as Luis couldn't understand projectile motion until he grasped the concepts of 'x' and 'y' components.

Similarly, it is never too late to learn the basics. God has given us all of the information about His character through His word, the Bible. Like a cheat-sheet of physics formulas, we can always go back to the Bible to refresh, review, and relearn the basics of His glory. Although I falter each day in certain ways, I can continue to go to the Lord to be filled and taught, and He will continue to teach me.


Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
         Psalm 25:4-5