Lose Yourself to Find Yourself

In the past week, we went from 98 degrees with a blazing sun to 70 degrees with pouring rain. It has been more than a blessing, but also a struggle. Living in a secure home with a hole-free roof and windows that close, I am able to sit in my house- dry- while the rain passes and nourishes the earth. With the heat from the past weeks, the grounds are dry, the rivers are non-existent, and the crops have little water to grow. We need water. On the flip side, there are countless people that do not live in a secure home like my own. They live in homes made from cardboard boxes and scrap wood that they can salvage from the garbage. They live on mountainsides that throw water and mud from the downpours or in valleys that collect all of that same water and mud. The rain is good, but it is damaging. A blessing, and a travesty. Our prayer: Send the rain, God, but be please be gentle.

There is, however, something about rain that brings me peace. It transports me back to my old apartments on rainy days where I could sit for hours with a good book and a pot of coffee. Yes, a pot. (A cup just never seems to be enough). With little explanation, it connects me to my 'old life' and launches me into self-reflection. How far I have come, how much has changed, how I have changed. And those looming, eternity-long questions, who am I and why am I here?

Then I realize, somewhere along the way, I lost myself. Not like the early 2000's Eminem song, but like someone who has changed. I am no longer the same as my 17-year-old self; the one that people have imprinted in their minds as 'me.' My dreams have changed, my goals have changed, my priorities have changed, and I have lost that old self.

Without a doubt, living in another country changes a person. Or, it should. A culture with different traditions, rules, history. A language that doesn't always seem to make sense. It is challenging, rewarding, and life altering. Even more so now that I am the only gringa in the town that I live in, I have lost. Lost selfish qualities that I used to have. Lost previous goals and dreams. Lost fear and embarrassment (not that there was much less of either for me to lose). Lost self-dependency. Lost unwillingness.

But, I have gained.

Losing myself has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because I have not lost myself involuntarily or begrudgingly. I have lost myself to this culture, but more importantly, I have lost myself to God. And by losing myself to Him, I have gained. I have lost my goals and they have been replaced with His goals, His plans. And boy are His goals better than my own. There is no impossible or improbable. There is only hope.

Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it."
              Luke 9:23-24

I came to Ciudad Espana almost temporarily. Then God gave me a house, community, and new goals. After seeing the need for various services in the community, God has called me once again to step in. In a culmination of what seems like all of my life skills and past ministry experience, I am responding. I will be opening a coffee shop that will sell fair-trade coffee and basic pastries. More importantly, it will be used to teach English classes, tutor, give artisan workshops to women, have small groups for young people, and just generally provide a safe place for the community.

This is not something I would have previously done or even considered. It was not my goal when I came to Honduras, and certainly is not what graduated from college to do. But things change, people change. I lost myself to find myself. I found myself in the plans of God and His plans for this community. I found myself in His love for me and His love for this community. He has provided the plans, the place, and the people. Likewise, I know He will provide the proper finances and resources.

Goals change and plans change, we lose and we win, but God's ultimate plan does not change, and with Him, we always win. We are always found in Him.
The rain comes, and it makes all things nourished and new.




Please join in prayer with me for this new chapter that is anything but temporary.
If you feel called to help, funds will be required for the start-up and initial preparation. Donations are accepted both online and through mail. Details can be found on the right hand margin of the page.