reviving His kingdom. : Doubt and Faith

Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?

Matthew 14:31b

Doubting in itself is not an evil thing. On the contrary, doubting leads to questions that must be answered in order to strengthen our faith. Without any sort of doubt being present, faith is impossible- at least for me. My mind is too logical and moves too rapidly for me to not doubt the world that I live in as well as my role in it. I frequently doubt choices that I have made in the past, the choice I have made to be here in Honduras, and, sometimes, even the core of my faith. However, my rational, doubting mind does not mean that I cannot also have faith- and a strong faith, even.

Recently I have found myself doubting my aspects of my life here and questioning whether or not I am properly fulfilling the call that I have answered to be in Honduras. Then the reality check hits me- I am not doing anything. What is being done is being done through me, but it is being done by the Spirit. I can doubt my role in this world ten times over, but I cannot convince myself that the work that is being done has zero purpose or a purpose that can change the world. Only God can decide that, and He already has.

I struggle with going to La Kennedy sometimes and the environment that is continuously saturated with drugs and alcohol. Due to recent incidences, Alex can no longer go to La Kennedy with me for this very reason. It is easy to doubt my role in the community and whether or not I am 'making a difference' when I can smell pot and alcohol while I tutor Oscar. My presence is beneficial to him, but it is not going to change the circumstances or the decisions of the community; only the presence of the Lord can do that. As a missionary and a Christian in general, my one job is to spread the Gospel, and that is what I am doing. I can doubt my role each day and become frustrated with the lack of realized expectations, but I must remember that my calling is to plant a seed, not to sow the whole garden. Working with Oscar and doing regular devotionals with Karla are the tasks that the Lord has given me in La Kennedy; He has not called me to start a drug program.

The disciples doubted left and right during their time with Jesus and showed little potential for improvement at times, but Jesus knew better than them. Doubting their position/roles as disciples as well as His own identity helped them to learn more about Him and His character as the Son of God.

In comparison, it is completely natural to doubt my position as a spiritual leader and to question that which I am capable of doing...to an extent. At which point, I have to turn to scripture and prayer to gain a better foundation of the Spirit working through me. When I begin to doubt, I need to look at the work that has already been done by the Spirit through me, and I need to focus my attention on the future and trust that the Lord will guide me. By focusing on my faith and throwing out the doubt that has sometimes settled in my heart, anything is possible. All things can be accomplished through his power.

And when He had come to the house, His disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" So He said to them, "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting."

Mark 9:28-29

And if any of you lacks wisdom, let him go to God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. but let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

James 1:5-6